How to Improve Communication
Practical Skills To Help Your Relationships
Looking for a “tool” to help you communicate better, to improve your relationships? Here is a brief way to think about how you are interacting with others that can either draw them close to you, or push them away.
(The following is a combination of information borrowed from PCIT training, as well as How To Win Friends and Influence People)
P.R.I.D.E.
Using the acronym P.R.I.D.E, here are several ways to make your communication more effective and connecting. But first, the DON’TS:
Don’ts In Communication:
Don’t Command or Tell Others What To Do
“Pick that up, please”. Keep track of how many times in a day with someone that you tell them how to drive, to clean up their dishes, to put the seat down, to answer the phone, to turn the t.v. up, to wear a mask.
No matter how nicely you say it, your important others become weary of all your thoughts on how everything should be done.
Track yourself for a day, and determine to put forth many fewer commands.
Don’t Criticize
Criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse“ that will shut down communication between any two people (say marriage experts John and Julie Gottman). Some examples: “I don’t think that looks very good on you.” “This needs more salt.” “I told you, they are closed today.” “You never take the trash out.” “Why don’t you ever text me back?”
Dale Carnegie, author of How To Win Friends and Influence People said, “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. When the other person begins justifying or defending, you know that some kind of trigger within them has been activated. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”
Who can communicate when defensiveness and resentment are alive in the conversation?
Don’t Ask So Many Questions
Often really a criticism (“Why do you believe that?”), one question can become many questions, which can become uncomfortable. A healthy sense of curiosity is great, but often we don’t really want to hear the answer, and often we are not really listening with the goal of understanding the other or increasing connection.
Picture the kindergartner right after school: kids will let you know quickly and clearly that they have had enough of your questions about their day, their friends, their teachers, etc. Just because an adult does not so bluntly push back against too many inquiries does not mean grownups like it any better.
Do’s In Communication:
Here is where the P.R.I.D.E acronym comes in handy.
P: Praise Beyond simply saying “good job” or “awesome”, a good strategy is to connect the WHY to the praise or compliment.
When you let someone know WHY you are pleased with them, they most often will do more of that thing.
“I love how your eyes reflect the blue in your sweater.” Or “Thank you for texting me to me to see how I am doing.”
Communication always goes better if done with compliments and praise.
GENERALLY, HOWEVER, AVOID ANY COMMENT ON A PERSON’S APPEARANCE, positive or negative.
R: Reflect the person’s words, like a verbal mirror (“sounds like you wish we take a different route today” or “ah…so you’re saying that you would never want to come to this restaurant again.”
This is most always a RESPONSE, not a thought initiated by you. Just a reflection.
It really requires listening to the other without talking about yourself. Hard to do.
Try this for just five minutes-reflecting, without any mention of your own thoughts, without any questions, without any criticisms.
I: Imitate. Place yourself a step behind others and let them decide upon something, or invite them to lead the way. Follow. If the person wants to watch a show, watch with them. If they choose to travel a particular aisle through the grocery store, go with that.
This does not mean to be a “door-mat”, it is occasional practice at giving up some of our own controlling tendencies.
D: Describe: “Ah, you really like that new Wordle game” Or “You look sad today.” These almost always start with “You”, and might often end up sounding like a labeled praise.
Just describe without judgment what you are seeing with the purpose of merely showing that you are interested.
E: Enjoy, be Enthusiastic. Your tone of voice is a crucial part of communication in your relationships! Snappy, curt words will get you nowhere; whereas slower, softer tones will help the other person feel safe and heard. Body language as well has an inviting, rejecting or defensive quality to it.
Try This Body Language Quiz
Turning towards a person communicates your willingness to engage with them. On the other hand, if you are on your device while someone is trying to talk to you, you are signaling disinterest.
Try watching ten minutes of a television program or sports event with the sound off. Body language speaks loudly!
So, if you’d like to see improvement in your relationships, review the Don’ts of communication, and try the Do’s with these PRIDE skills.
If you’d like more help with communication and relationships, contact me and let’s set up an appointment soon!