Is It Important To Have Things In Common With Your Partner?
Relationships are really about safety and survival.
Although you may have heard somewhere along the line that couples should have most things in common, this is not what provides the essence of emotional connection. A myth about relationships is that two people must have similar hobbies and interests, compatible political views, or congruent taste in music or movies. Some marriage counselors might encourage couples to assess whether they have the same preferences for cleanliness or adventure. And what about harmonious sexual ideals?
Here’s the thing: attachment science tells us that romantic bonds are formed and deepened when partners can offer a safe harbor to each other in times of need, and a secure base from where each partner can venture out to explore, expand, or grow their potential. See this attachment research (https://adultattachmentlab.human.cornell.edu/HazanShaver1987.pdf)
What’s a Safe Harbor or Safe Haven?
Imagine gripping the wheel of a swaying sailboat in a hurricane-force gale. You have one chance to make it to safety. You can barely see the lighthouse lantern blinking through the fog! You radio to the harbor for help; you just need to know which way to go. Finally, a small, but mighty tugboat bursts through the torrential storm and throws you a line. A crew greets you at the dock and frantically guides you to safety. You step on to the wooden platform and collapse in exhaustion.
A relational safe haven is much like this. Comfort in the storm. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But so many times, feelings of insecurity can grow in a marriage or partnership when one is not sure if their partner is or will be there in a time of need. If you can’t openly share your fears and receive a comforting response, or if your partner is absent at times of great need (a birth, death, illness, job loss, etc.), you may feel lost at sea, alone in your distress. Like radio-ing for help in a storm, you are desperate for a response; but you hear nothing.
Securely-attached couples have learned the secret of being the safe harbor in the storms of life. Sometimes it might look like (from Kallos-Lilly and Fitzgerald’s EFT Workbook for Couples):
Listening when the other is worried
Being attentive when the other is sick
Helping practically when the other is tired
Inquiring about your partner’s feelings
Staying engaged patiently when your partner is confused
Discussing and debriefing events of the day together
Expressing concern and/or providing physical comfort when your partner is sad or hurt
Such responsiveness leads to a profound security and psychological safety which is a bonding agent stronger than super-glue.
What is a Secure Base?
Where the Safe Haven is a relationship to TURN TO in times of distress, a Secure Base is a relationship FROM WHOM one can venture forth into the world (John Bowlby, attachment researcher). Having a personal cheerleader, someone curious about your ideas, supporting your potential; this is an irreplaceable force that can motivate each of us. The dependence on a partner (Safe Haven) actually fosters courage, bravery, vulnerability, innovation and self-confidence (Secure Base). Again from Kallos-Lilly and Fitzgerald, a Secure Base looks this way:
Supporting each other’s work and activities
Asking questions that reflect curiosity in each other’s opinions
Listening to each other’s hopes and dreams
Taking an interest in each other’s studies, community activities, hobbies
Acknowledging each other’s capabilities and possibilities for growth
Bolstering teacher other’s confidence with encouragement (“You can do this”)
Notice all the “Each Other’s”? There is no indication that partners need to do all the same things, play all the same games, listen to the same music, or vote for the same candidate to have a securely-attached relationship.
No, the answer lies in emotional responsiveness, whether one looks for comfort or encouragement. “If I reach for you, will you be there? Can I depend on you? Will you tune in and empathize with my feelings? Will you let me close and confide in me? Are you interested?”
If you would like some help with your relationship, in Northern Delaware or online from anywhere in Maryland, please give me a call or an email. I’m a licensed, certified Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) therapist, and would love to help.
The Band Jars of Clay, their song, “Safe to Land”, provides one last metaphor for safety and survival in relationships, that of airport runway lights:
Getting tired from all this circling…
I search for shelter…
Is it safe to land?
I’m in no weather for apology
I need your runway lights to burn for me
And if you say that I can come around
I’ll love you right
I won’t let you down
I won’t let you down
Cause I’m coming home, if these wheels touch down
I need your light to guide me in…