How to Know if “He’s The One”
Questions To Ask About Dating Relationships
What are some of the signs that you’ve found your life partner, to know if “she’s the one” or “he’s the one”? Is there such a thing as a soul mate, or have you ever thought that the ancient way of arranged marriages has something to say for itself?
John Van Epp, Ph.D, in his book How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk proposes a great system to approach this important relationship. The R.A.M (or relationship attachment model) system is akin to a stereo sound balance control screen: the five “controls” evaluate these things about a person you are considering dating:
John Van Epp, Ph.D R.A.M Model
Van Epp’s rule of thumb is that we MUST move from LEFT to RIGHT, not right to left.
How well do you know them?
Are they trustworthy?
What happens when you have relied on them?
How have they shown commitment to you?
Does sexual intimacy exceed the commitment in the relationship?
Keep in mind that, according to Van Epp, that deep-seated patterns and more vulnerable sharing start at about 90 days into the relationship.
He also includes many great questions to ask if you are wondering if you’ve found your soul mate, or if you think that HE’S THE ONE.
Some questions to ask yourself to get to know a dating partner:
Is there chemistry? Are you attracted to the whole package, or just a part?
Do your differences most often complement or collide?
What things upset you about this partner? What do you respect about this person?
How do you each handle emotions? How do you handle the other’s emotions?
Do you share similar spiritual outlooks and other values regarding work, money, etc.?
How much insight does the partner have to his or her own thoughts and motives?
Is the person able to self-disclose, to share emotions?
Does the partner show value and validation of your opinions and ideas?
Is there often a withdrawal or defensive posture in an argument?
Is the partner able to make repair and apologize?
What patterns are you noticing regarding treatment of family members or children, wait staff, other drivers, his or her boss?
Do you like your partner’s friends?
What do you wish you had done differently in previous relationships?
How were conflicts handled, or affection shown, in your families of origin?
What did you learn about marriage from your mother and father?
What common defenses do you each use?
What “rules of life” are you noticing?
Who initiates conversations in this relationship or about this relationship?
How stable or unstable are your partner’s moods?
Is your partner truly interested in hearing from you and about you?
In short, each of these questions contribute to the first dial in the R.A.M. system: what do you KNOW about this person?
It’s not about favorite colors or style of music preferred; this knowledge is of the inner world of a potential partner.
Ninety Days. Take three months to be detective, interviewer, researcher before you ever get to that fourth or fifth dial on the board.