Prince Harry Talks Therapy
"The majority of us carry some form of unresolved trauma, loss, or grief, which feels — and is—very personal. Yet the last year has shown us that we are all in this together, and my hope is that this series will show there is power in vulnerability, connection in empathy and strength in honesty." — Prince Harry
Prince Harry says that EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is helping him. Look here if you are interested in finding out more about this trauma treatment.
But for this post, let’s focus in on these words of his: “there is power in vulnerability, connection in empathy and strength in honesty.”
Vulnerability
Connection
Empathy
Honesty
Perhaps to understand what we mean by these words, let’s consider their opposites:
Vulnerability’s opposite is Protecting, Defending
Connection’s opposite is Distance, Disconnection
Empathy’s opposite is Blame, Dismissing
Honesty’s opposite is Hiding, Deceiving
When do people usually seek marriage counseling?
100% of the time it is NOT because the couple feels too safely vulnerable, too connected, too empathic, or too honest.
It is due to the opposites of these that most marriages struggle. Sue Johnson, the originator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, says, “In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.”
Attachment Theory teaches us that key relationships (in childhood with an adult care-giver and in adult romantic partners) play a huge part in the human development of a safe haven and the strong ability to be in the world and take risks; the risks are tolerable because the person knows that their partner has their back emotionally and will be there when they reach out in need.
The basic tenet of attachment theory is that a safe emotional connection to a few loved ones is a fundamental survival need wired within us.
“Can I count on you to be there for me?”
“Will you come when I call?” and
“Are you within reach?” are the crucial questions.
When partners experience disconnection, a predictable process of separation anxiety unfolds. People begin with protest, which usually takes the form of coercive anger, followed by clinging and seeking. If the attachment figure does not respond, then depression and despair set in.
This predictable process is sometimes called the Pain Cycle, or the Negative Dance.
Emotionally Focused Couples counseling is an effective approach to marriage counseling and couples therapy that identifies this dance, slows it down to find the sources of disconnection, and creates enough safety to help the partners share vulnerably, honestly, and empathetically what they need to feel safe and secure in the relationship.
My best advice is to get some help with your disconnection long before you think you need it.
Marriage counseling can be more like a vehicle tune-up than a desperate attempt to see if you can keep the wheels on.
If you think this might be a useful time to work on some things as Prince Harry has, please click below to contact me.